Conscious Insomnia

Sometimes I want to write but my muse isn’t there.

Sometimes I have seven textedit windows open at the same time,

all with partially written stories or ideas that never get flushed out.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m capable of pursuing and completing a project.

I know that I am.

So I write this.

I want to write.

I want to tell stories.

I have stories to tell.

I can write.

Why can’t I write?

I’m like autofocus in a moving frame.

So I write this.

I should go to bed.

The nights are too quick.

I’m rocked by ideas that won’t fit through the funnel of my pen.

So I write this.

I want to go out shooting, like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid but with cameras instead of guns.  A battle of lenses and lights.  I want to make a Lawrence of Arabia.  I want to make an I Vitelloni.  They don’t fit together very well, but hey.

So I write this.

I want to write an “On the Road”.  I want to write a “Dune”.  They don’t fit together very well either.  So I write this.

I have a conscious insomnia.  Are they goals or are they ghosts?  Is this a poem or is it prose?  I should be in bed.  So I write this.

My Past Year, as told by Facebook.

So tonight I had an idea.  I decided to time travel.  Or, since my future self hasn’t brought me back the technology yet, I decided to go as far back in my facebook timeline as I could.  I could see what my status updates were like, what my wall posts were like, and what pictures I was tagged in.  Well, I only made it back to just over a year ago.  The effect was not what I had expected.

At the beginning of May, 2008, I was preparing to go to Japan.  I was going with a class and we were going to shoot a documentary.  I was pumped.  Excited beyond belief that I was going to be out of the country for the first time in my life.  My facebook statuses of the time were a daily countdown to when when I’d be there.  Even down to the hours.

I remember now that I had gotten my digital camera as a birthday present, and spent a lot of my time figuring it out.  I played a lot of Mario Kart Wii and was still sending “Pieces of Flair”.  I see that I had just recently watched “Lost in Translation” and I remember the night that I watched it.  I was drinking Gin with my friend Sam.  My other roommates were out of town.  Sam left halfway through the movie, and it was just me watching the movie drinking some gin.  I remember that I was in a weird mood that night, especially considering Murray’s persona in that movie.

I see all of my pictures from Japan.  Beautiful cityscapes and some nighttime fun.  Damn that trip was amazing.  I see wall posts from friends at the time that I haven’t talked to in a year.  I see myself becoming friends with people who are now close friends.  I also see posts from people who I hadn’t talked to in years but responded to my Japan pics and stories.

I see the blogs that we had to write as part of the class, and I’m reminded of where I was and what I was doing when I wrote them.  One was written in a Hotel Lobby because the room didn’t have internet.  I had downed 2-3 “cocktail partners”, and thus my writing was very eloquent.

I see posts about me returning to Bloomington, and a post about a friend who spent the summer in France.  The rest of the summer consists of me being nostalgic about Japan, and being excited to see “The Dark Knight”.  I forgot about some of the movies that came out last summer: Indiana Jones, Wall-E, Incredible Hulk, Hellboy 2.  I remember the night that my roommate and I rented the first Hellboy to check it out.  I also remember that I started watching “Dexter” right around this time, and it became one of my favorite shows.

I see posts about leaked pics from the set of Watchmen.  I was so excited about that movie.  I see more Japan nostalgia, including when I realized I could buy a certain orange drink online that I had had a lot of in Japan.  That was a happy moment for quite a few of us.

I see when school started, as marked by the beginning of gamezombie videos being posted to my profile.  Also, one of my best friends moves to Spain for a year.  I’m reminded of a book trilogy that a good friend referred me to, and reading it.  Eragon, Eldest, and Brisingr.  Fantasy stuff, but fun.

I see when my senioritis began kicking in, as I said I was ready for finals just a few weeks into the semester.  I’m reminded of how busy I got so quickly last fall, with Gamezombie and my cinematography class raping my time.  I remember how nostalgic and I got.  I see where I posted pictures from freshman and sophomore years on Facebook.  I’ve always been a nostalgic guy, it’s been something to struggle with from time to time.

I see where I was proud of my roommate for getting engaged.  The wedding is in just a few weeks now.  It’s still hard to believe.  I see where gas prices started dropping.  I thought that 3.22 was cheap!  I’m also reminded of an internship that I had planned on applying for.

I see where my first Gamezombie edit was released online.  I remember the editing that I did on that, and how fun it was.  I’m reminded that I ran a 5k last October!  I had almost forgotten about that.  Haha, I’m jewish and I ended up running with a minister.  It was a lot of fun, I was so happy that I did it.

I remember that I was considering growing a beard in late October, and that another wave of nostalgia hit me and I posted a ton more old pictures on Facebook.    A lot from last summer, mostly from when I first got my camera and was playing with it.

I remember that at the time the election was weighing on everyone’s minds.  The big question, McCain or Obama.  I remember Sarah Palin.  Haha, wow.

It was around this time that I started becoming facebook friends with a lot of the gamezombie people who I have since grown to become close friends with.  I know that around this time was when ButtonMashers started.  October 24th, I believe.  I remember meeting my cohosts and how nervous I was.  Every Friday I would wake up feeling sick those first few weeks.  I was terrified.  But my confidence grew and it’s been one of the best experiences of my life.  I see pictures of me from the GZ halloween party.  That was wild.

It was just after this that I began hanging out with someone who would really have an impact on me.  It’s so strange now to see the “Sam and (name) are now friends”, when these people are now some of my best friends.

I see the first episodes of ButtonMashers being release.  I remember I was working on a project for a comic-book class I was in at the time.  The class sucked, I know how cool it sounds but it failed.  I was doing a powerpoint presentation about how Watchmen related to the Cold War, and every 10 minutes would check YouTube to see the views.  They skyrocketed on that first episode.  We got featured and raked in over 110,000 views.  That was weird, but so exciting.  I remember Chelsey and I texting back and forth about it.

I see how happy and proud I was when Obama won the election.  Most of my friends were, too.  Such an exciting time.  I remember that I was at work that night.  I was invited to a party but didn’t make it, and instead missed them calling the election because I was on my way home from work.

I’m reminded of Mica’s game nights.  One in particular, when a friend came.  It was around then that I started to kind of like that friend as more than a friend.

I see Happy Thanksgiving comments, and an item about a friend’s birthday party.  I remember that I don’t remember much about that party.  But I remember that the next night I explored areas I’d never been to.  That was a fun trip.

I see myself becoming friends with people who I spent a lot of time with second semester of that year.  I also see me depriving myself of sleep.  I had so much work to do in those days.  I was editing one video for gamezombie, two for Cinematography, while still trying to direct another, and write a screenplay while learning scripts every week to host a web show that I was still sickly nervous about, while trying to have a life.  A certain friend and I started growing close during this time, and made it not seem as bad.  Nighttime adventures to Kroger were a ton of fun and really appreciated, they definitely lightened my mood.

I remember the all-nighters at the library, and how rough they were.  I didn’t mind at the time, but for 3 weeks I spent multiple nights working.  At the end I crashed major.

I remember that I got depressed a little.  I see a status update, “Sam Sher would like to know the meaning of life….. I mean, besides sushi and natchan…. what else is there?”  Granted, this was at 4:35am and I believe I was quite intoxicated, but the joke about sushi and natchan was only thrown in to ease out the seriousness of the post.

I remember the lengths I went to to get all of my work done in those final weeks.  I see where I underestimated another project, and another project, and friends joked but were concerned about my lack of sleep.  I was concerned too.

I remember the last Thursday night of final week.  At the library for one last all nighter, with paperwork out bulging out of my eyes.  Sleep deprived I misinterpreted a text, and that put me over the edge.  I couldn’t finish.  I crashed.  A buddy that I was at the library at was witness to me just putting everything aside and setting my head down.  I gave up, and that feeling sucked.  I couldn’t possibly get everything I needed done in that one night.  I had pushed myself too far, too hard, and it came back and bit me.  This weighed on me hugely for quite a while.

I see Christmas and remember that it was then that I first got into “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.  It’s now one of my favorite shows, and I’ve seen every episode at least once.  I remember that my new years consisted of going to see “The Dark Knight” in theaters, for the sole reason that I couldn’t believe it was still playing.

I remember the next day Chelsey came down to visit, and we went to see Synechdoche, NY.  What an awesome trip that was, when we explored Bardstown Rd. in Louisville.  It was around then that she started giving me cd’s to learn.

I see where second semester began and I started becoming friends with people from my classes.  I remember PAing a shoot for a short webisode that still hasn’t aired, and then staying up until 6am playing a video game while a friend read Watchmen.

I remember one week when the heat in my apartment died.  Also, a friend came over to watch a movie and was snowed in.  Haha, had to sleep on a couch bundled up in about 4 blankets because it was so cold, I felt so bad.

I remember when we had a snow day, and some friends and I walked to Chilis in the snow.  It took forever, but it was an awesome adventure.  I got soaked on the way back, I recall.  Again I see myself becoming friends with people who are now close, as well as the beginning of the “25 Things” fad on facebook.

I eventually gave in and wrote a “25 Things”.  Most were fluff, but a couple were truly heartfelt.  I said in my note that I had never been truly happy, and was afraid that I never would be.  Since then I have experienced that happiness and lost it again.  But I’m still happy now, knowing that I have felt it and can.

I see where we began shooting season 2 of ButtonMashers.  Ah, that was an experience.

I remember that I got pretty depressed in February, and see the beginning of it at the end of January.  I see where I began complaining in my statuses, and disliking myself.  At the time I was having a few crises.  First, I was again over-stretching myself and was beginning to fail like I had at the end of the previous semester.  I was missing an internship repeatedly.  I knew it was just a matter of time before I got in trouble, but I couldn’t force myself to go.  I was also depressed because of a slight, I don’t know, identity crisis of sorts.  I was changing at the time and, well, I’m still not sure what into.  Also, I was terrified of graduation.  There were other reasons, too, but February was a pretty harsh month.

I remember that, from about mid-January to the end of February, I would, every single weekend, wake up one morning not knowing where I was or how I’d gotten there.  I mean, the previous nights were always a lot of fun.  Mostly.  But were they just spawned because I needed to release from stress?  There was someone that I cared for more than I ever had, but I couldn’t act on it and I wasn’t even sure if it was mutual.  That hurt.

Eventually missing my internship caught up to me, and I had to drop.  Also, I discovered that I was short a credit hour to graduate, because of an advisor error.  I wasn’t getting any credit for my most stressful class.  So I dropped it.  Although in the long term dropping the class eased my load, I at first hated myself for dropping.  I was an integral part of the production, and my dropping threw everything off balance.  The whole class had to be restructured because of me.  At first that tormented me.  Luckily the teacher was extremely understanding and nice about it.

I remember watching the movie “Chaplin”.  Not a Chaplin movie, but a bio of him starring Robert Downey Jr.  I loved the movie.  But I was in such a bad mood that I sobbed at the end.  Of course, I might have done that anyway.  The ending was beautiful, I still feel it when I think of it.  But I couldn’t even fight it.  It just happened.

I remember having a joke facebook engagement with a friend.  Haha, how hilarious that was.  I got so many congratulations on that.  Even family friends started sending me messages.  I was kind of embarrassed to tell them it was fake, but it was all in good fun.

I remember March starting, and I started my 8-weeks classes to make up for what I was dropping.  I remember having a dream that I was in the desert, and so I decided that I would drive to Arizona for spring break.  I would go alone or with someone, I just needed to drive and keep driving.  I told Chelsey, who by now was one of my closest friends, about my plan and asked if she’d want to go.  I didn’t know what to expect as a response, but she was hugely enthusiastic and wanted to go.  So we started planning.  My parents thought the idea was stupid, but I was determined for the first time in a long time.  I was going to Arizona no matter what.

I remember that we started shooting “Ultimate Challenge” for Gamezombie, and how much fun that was.  The long nights of green screen shooting led to some of the funniest moments of the year, and I wouldn’t do those shoots any other way.

Just like when I went to Japan, I started counting down the hours until when I had seen Watchmen.  It was around this time that I linked my Twitter.com account up to my facebook status.  There are a number of status here that were just joke Tweets linked to things happening at the theater.  I was so excited.  Plus, I loved the movie.  I was pleasantly surprise.  Certainly there are a number of things I would have done differently, but the movie was so much better than I was afraid it would be.

“Up early as hell, but I can’t stop smiling.  Life is awesome that way. :D”.  That was my tweet/facebook status on the morning of March 11th.  The night before had been one of the happiest nights of my life.  Feelings turned out to be mutual.  I was on top of the world.  I was on cloud nine.  That happiness, that was the true happiness that I had written about in my “25 Things” note.  I had never in my life been that happy.  Just thinking about it makes me so happy to know that I am capable of that happiness.  “I can’t stop smiling.  Life is awesome that way.”  I truly could not stop smiling.  After having been so depressed, this was the best possible feeling in the world.

Spring Break is a story all of it’s own, but it was amazing.  Driving, and driving, and driving, with my closest friend was an amazing journey.  Rather than be confused and depressed and stuck, I spent a week constantly moving, happy beyond belief, and learning new sides of myself every minute.  The trip at the Grand Canyon was incredible, and I completely fell in love with driving in the desert.

Coming back wasn’t too bad.  I had work and school to deal with, but I could handle that now no problem.

Campus Movie Fest arrived, and Chelsey, Andrew, and I made a short film.  We had a plan for a completely different story, but a rainy weekend threw that out of question.  So instead we shot our project in one hour, and I edited it in less than two days.  Quite the rush job, really.  It turned out rather well though, and we made it to the top 28 out of 111 films.

I remember finishing shooting “Ultimate Challenge”, and shooting the rest of season 2 of “ButtonMashers”.  I remember Andrew and I finding an apartment for next year.

Thoughts of next year still made me nervous.  They still do now.  I won’t be in school and I have to find a job and work a ton.  Very different from any situation I’ve been in.  Nervousness about this, plus some stress from classes began to weigh me down again, but nowhere near what I’d been at in February.  I was still happier than ever.

It was mid-April when I started my blog, The Sherald Times.  A cheesy name I know, but it was the first time I had ever started posting my writings online.  Amazing how that can feel.  That outlet.

Nostalgia of the road trip was on me a lot during April.  I still miss driving.  Especially at night.  Driving on a highway at night long distance is possibly one of the most relaxing experiences.  I can’t wait to do it again.

I remember playing James Bond in a short for a studio production class.  That was fun.  It kind of put me on a minor Bond kick for a while.  I bought a bunch of Bond movies.

I remember my birthday.  My 22nd birthday.  It was the best birthday I’ve had in years.  Chelsey blindfolded me and took me to Story, In.  She had made reservations at the Story Inn Restaurant, and we ate there.  There was a wine fest going on, so we explored the town and checked out the wine fest.  Nobody had ever done something so surprising for me like this, I was speechless.  She also got me a poster-sized print of a Ralph Steadman drawing, the cover of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.  Again I was speechless and couldn’t stop smiling.  Nobody had ever surprised me and been this thoughtful for me.  What a wonderful thing.

I remember finals week, and how it wasn’t so bad.  Granted, I couldn’t focus on any of my finals due to the fact that I was about to graduate and be done with school, but it wasn’t bad.

I was in such a weird place when I graduated.  I was happy but sad, excited but terrified.  High School was similar but this was much more extreme, because there’s no more school after this.  For a while I toyed with the idea of applying for Grad School.  But after this year and being so fed up with classwork, I decided it would be best for me to take a year off from school, at least.  I felt bad, because I think people were really excited for me to do grad school and a part of me feels as though I let them down by not doing it.  But I need the time off.

After graduation a new goal arrived.  I was going to E3.  Excitement beyond belief, the trip started taking up all of my thoughts.  I was starting to get nervous about being graduated again.  I sort of felt as though I was on an edge.  E3 was a great thing, and gamezombie really seemed to be going somewhere.  But a loss of that happiness was just around the corner.

Slipping back into a funk, E3 was a cloud of thoughts.  I don’t remember much about the week leading up to it, either.  Don’t get me wrong.  The trip was a blast and I had a great time.  But I wasn’t nearly as there as I had hoped to be.  I now even started doubting my reason for staying in bloomington.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.  It’s not nearly as bad as February, but it sill hasn’t been an easy month.

But I’m getting through fine.  June is almost over and so I’m over a lot of what had me down.  If I’ve learned anything this year it’s been to not dwell.  As hard as it is, dwelling on something painful doesn’t do any good.  I now have one of the best friends I’ve ever had. That’s still more than I had before.  The last thing I ever want to do is lose that kind of friendship.  2 months of happiness was amazing, but I still have a best friend.

Just before E3 I purchased a MacBook from a friend, and that has since taken up a lot of my time.  I’ve been exploring all that it’s capable of.  Also, I got a job for the month of June, shooting b-roll of a construction site.  I’ve begun watching old “Star Trek” episodes and have become quite fond of it.

I look back on where I was 1 year ago.  I ask myself, because I’m sometimes not so sure, if I’m a better person now than I was 1 year ago.  Because I’m definitely different.

I’m now a producer for gamezombie, in charge of the comedy sketch shorts.  My first shoot is tomorrow and I’m hoping it goes well.  As per usual, I’m depriving myself of sleep and being nostalgic, looking at my facebook timeline from a year ago to now.

And yes.  Yes I do think I’m a better person now.  I’m far more confident.  I never had that confidence before this year.  I’m confident and I know a lot more about my limits.  I learned a lot about myself in this past year.  And that’s one value of facebook that I never expected.  The ability to judge personal growth by viewing one’s old posts on a social website.

Time to hit the pillow, I believe.

If you read this, congrats.  It was a long-ass post and I didn’t expect it to turn out this long.

-Sam